Every Once in Awhile
For the most part, I'm doing pretty good. I get this question a lot and when I consider everything that has happened over the past three weeks I really think we're all doing pretty good. However, I still have my moments and this morning I had one of those moments.
Aaron's mom had bought some blueberries at the farmer's market and I decided to blend them up for Trinity's breakfast. Like many new parents in this digital age, I have way too many pictures of Trinity eating her first foods (the avocado pics are particularly cute!) so of course I pulled out the camera for the 'Trinity's First Time Eating Blueberries' picture. One of the things I absolutely love about Trinity is her smile. She has always been quick to smile at us, friends on the street or strangers in the store. There were certain sounds or faces we could make and we were sure to get a smile in return. As I was snapping pictures this morning I tried all my tried and true sounds but there was no smile. For the first time I realized her smile isn't triggered by the sounds we're making but rather by the ridiculous faces we must be making when we make these sounds. It hit me how much I miss her being able to see my face. When I would feed her in the morning she would often just lay in my arms and stare at my face. I would stick out my tongue at her and she would do the same, and then smile. I miss starring into each others eyes and I miss the constant flash of her smile.
Sometimes, I have trouble admitting that I wish this all wouldn't have happened. I know that probably sounds ridiculous because who wouldn't wish it wouldn't have happened but I guess what I really mean is I try not to look back. We are here and this is our life right now. Wishing things hadn't happened serves no benefit and takes our focus away from what is real. However, there are moments like this morning where I do look back and I miss the way it was.
Then it's back to reality and the reality is is that I am so thankful for everything that Trinity can do. We faced some pretty grim possibilities early on and the doctors couldn't give us any indication of what Trinity's function would be after she woke up. Each time she did something new we rejoiced and we continue to thank God for everything she is doing. A good friend reminded me this evening that it is possible to mourn and rejoice simultaneously so as I look at this picture I am nothing but thankful...but my heart aches to make her smile.