YES

Turns out Trin can use the camera...

Just to be clear, this is not a blog post. This is series of ramblings that have not been edited since I first typed them. that means that they're random. Oh yeah, they were written over the course of about two weeks, with little thought given to connecting any of them. But it's me, so they're connected...sort of. Consider yourself warned.

Yes

A lot has happened in the last two months, even by our standards. We’ve decided, researched, planned a move so that Trinity can have the best opportunities that we can provide. This has entailed a great deal of thought, discussion and work. Autumn and I have spent hours, days even, weighing the options and trying to figure out the best path for our family. And now that plan, that path, is unfolding. Time to walk the path.

 Yes

Occasionally the weight of the decision that we have made threatens to weigh me down. Are we making the right decision? Now that we have made the decision, how to we choose from the available options? What if we choose wrong? Questions like these are always just around the corner, waiting to ambush me. But…

Yes

It's the hipster Teagan

August 21^st, 2009. I remember the day that Trinity was injured. I remember receiving the phone call at work. It was a friend of ours who worked with Autumn at the hospital. She said Trinity wouldn’t wake up properly from her nap. Then something about an ambulance and Autumn was on her way back to the hospital. I left the office and began to walk across the parking lot to the loading dock at the back of the hospital. It was a route I took frequently, usually as a shortcut to visit Autumn at work. I remember one thought in particular. It was this: a parent should never have to outlive their child.

Bike

Yes

Trinity was blind for almost six weeks. I recall coming home from the hospital in Boise. It felt a little like when we first brought Trin home when she was first born. We came home and I had that same feeling, like there was something I should be doing, something parental. But I had no idea what it was. The answer of course, was the same as it was when she was born: make sure she has food, sleeps and has a clean diaper. Side note: this is a highly subjective account, so please understand that I have a wonderful wife who is way a more capable person than I; when I use the singular, it is out of literary convenience and in no way reflects any lack on her part. In fact, she is largely responsible for keeping me grounded while also going through the same, very difficult, event. 

Reading in the top bunk (crowded)

Yes

School has been a growing process. For Trinity and especially for me. It’s taken two year of preschool, kindergarten and first grade for me to pull my head out of my ass. Now I get it, how much help Trin needs. Now, I get how repetition, avoiding distraction and keeping her on task are vital. I mean, I understood it before, but now I get it. I thought that I spent the last four years advocating for her, but now I know how to advocate for her because I have seen techniques and environments that have really worked for Trin. Now we can really kick down some doors for her!

Yes

When in Rome...

The decision was made almost as soon as the need for decision presented itself. Autumn and I already talk about how easy of a decision it was. The consequences have not been insignificant. While most people have expressed support and encouragement along the way, there have been relationships that have strained as people distance themselves because they don’t agree. The painful part is that these are people I didn’t expect it from. I remember talking to a family friend who also has a child that has faced developmental challenges. She has told us numerous times how she admires us for pulling up the anchor and setting sail for uncharted waters. She has mentioned how having children with needs like this are different. Parenting them is different. I’ll agree and say that when a child is not developing like the majority of us do, it means that you can’t put it on cruise control and write off something as just another phase. There are “phases” that Trinity may have difficulty outgrowing without significant assistance. Her brain is different. She is different. It’s our job to notice and our job to do everything we can to mitigate the consequences of Trinity’s differences.

Awesome bugs!

Yes

One father, one daughter, one travel trailer and 600 miles. Now THAT is the recipe for an adventure! It is hard not being together with Autumn and Teagan though, no proper family adventure happens with us all split up! Between email and text though, Autumn and I have been able to keep in touch. It’s actually the one part of our communication that is still close to normal. Which is why evenings are probably the hardest, because that is one of the only times when we are all together as a family, having dinner and getting ready for bed. I suppose I will get used to it, but I hope I never do! 

Built Ford tough...

Yes

I was reminded today why this is so important, what we are doing here. When I picked up Trin from her first day (first day BACK actually. She considers her first two test days as her first days. She was already here!), she is a little different. She’s not cranky. She’s more articulate. I remember picking her and Teagan up from school previously and all the tears on the ride home. I am sure that having Teagan there and feeling like she has to fight for what she wants also plays a part, but she’s just, well, more with it. Keep in mind that there have been big changes the last two days, driving 600 miles, camping in the trailer with no power, landing in a strange place. All that and she still comes away way more…functinal. At least so far. If this whole effort results in just a little change for the better, it will have been worth it. Wait. No. The act alone of trying something is and always will be worth it. 

Yes

Morning yoga for Trin!

Time matters. I remember when Autumn and Trinity went to Portland. That first week was certainly a question mark in my mind. The whole thing was a gamble. $116 per hour is a gamble for ANYONE. But two or three days into the process, we noticed that something changed. It was as if, somewhere in the process of going to the learning center, a door had been opened a little bit. It’s not like it’s a flood and she is now just like all her peers. I’m not so delusional to think that will ever happen, and to be honest I hope it doesn’t ever happen. I don’t want my daughter to be anything other than who she is. This process is about giving her as many opportunities as possible to be and become the most awesome and best version of herself. That’s all I would hope for her, for anyone actually. I hope the same for Teagan. I can’t wait to see who he becomes and I want him to have all the opportunities in the world to do that.

Yep, Montana has Costo!

Yes

Here we are in Bozeman, about halfway through week two. So far so good, Trinity is a trooper for sure, she is likely adapting better than I am. Between tying up work stuff from Oregon, trying to figure out housing and single parenting, I think I may have spent a little too much time within myself. I need to start exploring Bozeman for me as well, not just for Trin.

Yes

Ham and cheese!

Trin’s school is pretty awesome, it has been fun getting to meet and know the teachers, students and fellow parents. It’s a small school, so I can see that it can become very much like a family there. I love that. We move into our new apartment this weekend, which will be nice since the weather is starting to turn and it won’t be as fun for Trin to play with her dolls outside. It sure is beautiful here! One great thing has been to have friends here to spend time with occasionally. I think that it’s been a saving grace for me to have a familiar adult to talk to face to face. It can be so easy to feel all alone here, even though we are not.

Sweet boy

Yes

Working on getting Teagan enrolled in school. Turns out it’s pretty crowded here. The preferred school is full, but not as full as others. We’ll see. The preferred one is just a few blocks from the apartment, so there’s that. The other one will be fine I am sure, but…

Hoping the houses close soon, so we can stop paying for three dwellings. That and I think it will be a huge relief for Autumn, who has been burdened with the ugly job of packing up the house now that I am gone. But so much is going right.

Outside Wins!

Yes

Trin and I settled into an apartment. Didn't realize how much of a home body I am. I guess I knew, but it's nice to have four real walls. Weird. Trailer life was pretty cool, but a full size kitchen sink is AWESOME!

Yes

Tested out a couple of churches with Trin. The first we both agreed was not our new church. Yesterday we visited another and both agreed that it was our new church. Funny thing is how opinionated she was on the topic. If she has been good with the first place we went, I would have stayed, but she was clear that she didn't want to go back. The opposite was true here, that she really  did want to go back. Me too.  That was nice.

Yes

He wakes up like me

First couple of days in the apartment have been pretty good, it's a process to get settled in, even though everything here came from the travel trailer. So yeah, lawn chairs in the living room. The landlord is a recent widow with two teenage boys. Easy to see it's been rough for her. To add to the weight, she's from Germany and her physical therapy education and training doesn't count here. Makes me remember how lucky I am to have a complete family.

Yes

I was pissed last week. I wasn't getting the reaction that I wanted. I let it get to me, let someone else's opinion really get to me. I think that's because it's an opinion that means a lot to me. Sunday I heard something that stuck with me and the gist was this: if I am too focused on what I don't have (that I want), then I will miss all that things in my life that I have to be grateful for. Gratitude over greed.

Yes

Have fun!