The Death of a Mermaid

Let's call this post mortem, for several reasons. The first is because, well, the mermaid died. At the hand of my wife. I'll remind you that she does know how to cut bodies open, and does so regularly. So yeah, professional operations happen here at our house. The second reason for the post mortem is so that we can all learn from this experience and be better prepared moving forward. Take notes.

Exhibit A: Young female, seven years of age. Mermaid amputee, age unknown. Both seem happy (although how either can be smiling considering the location of one right-hand index finger, I have no idea). Don't worry, it gets worse, much worse. As the story goes, said finger was being used to re-shape the mermaid's bosom from the inside. The procedure appears to have begun successfully, since the bosom appears to be convex, which is appropriate. There was a slight hiccup though in phase two, since, as is obvious, said finger is still in the mermaid. It's not quite clear how long the digit was stuck before parental reinforcement was requested.

Exhibit B: The first documented attempt at extraction. I believe that the subject is attempting to drown the mermaid in cold water, or at least make her cough and pop the finger out. Unsuccessful.

Exhibit C: Subject is described as tired. No that's not a black eye, although it looks like one.

Exhibit D: Drowning the mermaid was unsuccessful, as was vegetable oil. Subject is described as melancholy. That mermaid (and her blue twin) have been constant bathing companions for some time. The outlook is grim.

Exhibit E: Kitchen shears were tried but were ineffective because they were simply too big. Subject's finger is now a lovely shade of purple. No, that's not normal or good. I have to ask, was it really necessary to cut the mermaid's head off and lay it next to a seven year old girl? Moving on.

Exhibit F: Surgical scissors to the rescue. Strangely enough we have surgical scissors at our house. For some reason the neurosurgeon that operated on Autumn's knee a couple of years ago thought we could use surgical scissors. Turns out he was right! Note the restoration of normal skin coloration, with the quaint addition of a stylish ring...

Exhibit G: Body parts and tools. Post mortem? I'd say! That mermaid was killed DEAD! Also, it's an important lesson moving forward: mermaids should really stay out of bath tubs and stick to the ocean so that incidents such as this can be avoided!


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